I saw a tourist in a park last week trying to hand-feed a gray squirrel a piece of granola bar. I wanted to scream, but I was too busy watching the inevitable. The squirrel didn’t want the bar; it wanted the finger holding the bar. One lightning-fast crunch later, and that tourist was looking for … Read more
I was standing in my garden yesterday morning, admiring a row of freshly planted tulip bulbs, when I saw him. A fat eastern gray squirrel sat on my fence, staring me dead in the eye while casually snacking on a crocus bulb like it was a high-end appetizer. It’s January 2026, and after three decades … Read more
I was drinking my morning coffee on the porch yesterday when I saw a squirrel brazenly trying to pick the lock on my bird feeder. Well, maybe not picking the lock, but he was staring at it with more mechanical focus than my last contractor. I used to have two squirrels in my yard. Now, … Read more
I walked out to my back porch last week to grab the mail, and I nearly dropped my coffee. There, splayed out on the top rail of my fence, was a gray squirrel. He wasn’t moving. Legs kicked back like a tiny pair of fuzzy trousers, chin pressed to the wood, tail limp. I thought, … Read more
I walked into my garden yesterday at 6:00 AM, coffee in hand, ready to admire the big, beautiful “Celebrity” tomato I’d been babying for three months. What did I find? A massacre. It was sitting on the soil, half-ripe, with one—just one—giant, jagged bite taken out of the side. The rest was left to rot. … Read more
It is late January 2026, and the wind is currently trying to rip the siding off my house here in the Northeast. It is the kind of cold that makes your bones ache and your coffee turn lukewarm in three minutes flat. I looked out my window this morning, expecting to see a barren, frozen … Read more
It’s 5:00 AM on a Tuesday in January. You’re finally in that deep, dreamless sleep when it starts. Thump. Scritch. Thump-thump-SCREECH. It sounds like a pack of caffeinated toddlers is running a marathon directly above your pillow. You lay there, staring at the ceiling, wondering if your house is haunted or if the roof is … Read more