I have seen enough termite damage to fill a football stadium. Every year, homeowners spend thousands on “premium” wood mulch so that their flower beds look like a magazine cover. Then they call me six months later because their floorboards are soft and their siding is full of holes. They think they are helping their … Read more
I spent ten minutes yesterday pulling a deer tick off my dog’s ear, and frankly, I’m fed up. It’s January 2026, and thanks to the unseasonably warm winter we’re having across most of the US, these little eight-legged vampires aren’t even sleeping. They’re out there right now, waiting in the leaf litter for something warm … Read more
I tried to enjoy a quiet evening on my back porch last July, and within four minutes, I was slapping my ankles like I was performing some kind of frantic folk dance. I had welts the size of nickels before the sun even hit the horizon. If you’ve spent a fortune on those “magic” citronella … Read more
I went out to the garden last July, expecting to pick enough Early Girls for a BLT. Instead, I found a crime scene. Half a plant was stripped bare. Just naked green stems and a few sad, jagged leaf stubs. No fruit, no foliage, just total devastation. If you’ve seen this in your own backyard, … Read more
I was sitting on my back porch last July trying to enjoy a cold drink, and within four minutes, I felt like a blood donor for the local mosquito union. My neighbor, who reads too many glossy “lifestyle” magazines, told me I just needed to buy a few pots of lavender and the bugs would … Read more
I walked out to my rose garden last July and almost had a stroke. Those metallic green jerks—Japanese beetles—had turned my prize-winning petals into something resembling a piece of Swiss cheese. It’s January 28, 2026, and while the ground is currently frozen solid in most of the US and Canada, I’m already losing sleep over … Read more
I was poking around my greenhouse yesterday morning, checking on the winter kale and some early indoor tomato starters I’ve got going for the 2026 season. Everything looked fine until I saw it: that tell-tale sticky residue on the leaves. I flipped a leaf over, and sure enough, a colony of tiny, pear-shaped freeloaders was … Read more
I was standing in my garden yesterday morning, admiring a row of freshly planted tulip bulbs, when I saw him. A fat eastern gray squirrel sat on my fence, staring me dead in the eye while casually snacking on a crocus bulb like it was a high-end appetizer. It’s January 2026, and after three decades … Read more
I was drinking my morning coffee on the porch yesterday when I saw a squirrel brazenly trying to pick the lock on my bird feeder. Well, maybe not picking the lock, but he was staring at it with more mechanical focus than my last contractor. I used to have two squirrels in my yard. Now, … Read more
It’s January 2026, and somehow, despite the frost on the windows in Ohio and the biting wind in Chicago, you’ve got a cloud of fruit flies hovering over your bananas. It’s enough to make a sane person lose their mind. I’ve been around the block, and I’ve seen every “life hack” under the sun. Most … Read more